Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
