i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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