i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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