i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
