K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
