not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
