Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
