I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
