so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
