This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
