I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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