It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
