Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
