I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
