How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
