i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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