i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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