youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
