God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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