First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I understand Curling. That high.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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