I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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