well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I met the friendliest cop last night
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
