it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
