Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Randomize
