JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
