You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
