I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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