i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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