She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
