Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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