awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
it's like iHOP with fire
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
