My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
