after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i came on her dog
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
