and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
