he puts the penis in happiness.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
