I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
