Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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