I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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