I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
