I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
