did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
