He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
