i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
