I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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