They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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