If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
