If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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