I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
