for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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