tell your sister to shave her snatch
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
