is your mom at the bar?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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