I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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